Von - the Waitress at Libertine - "Heartbreaker"

It was a beautiful Wednesday afternoon in Portland - I had decided to leave work early and rest at my friends house. Although the original point of the trip to the NW was to smell the fresh air and be one with nature, I had found myself curled up on the couch watching Pride and Prejudice. The only thoughts that kept coming up in my mind were, "I really hope the director and Keira Knightly do a good job in telling this story vs. doing some kind of creative interpretation of Jane Austen's book. I dont know whats more embarassing....the fact that i was watching this movie by myself on a Wednesday afternoon or walking .25 miles down to Hollywood Video - signing up for a membership and dealing with two college clerks who harrassed my taste in movies. Anyways ---- I'm obviously telling part of my story from midway so lets flash back to how my 45 day pursuit of a girl led to me watching a relatively okay film....i would give it 3 stars out of 4.

I warn you - this story is a bit long and probably the most personal as the conclusion of this story ended only a few days ago - so i write this with a heavy heart and deep sighs of disappointment. It is however----very very romantic.

2 months ago, i was hanging out at a friends house on a Friday evening. It was 4 guys (Hagrid, Mr. Penis Head, Cougar Hunter and myself) doing the most improbably of things - we all sat on the couch together and drank whisky while watching BrokeBack Mountain. I'm not ashamed to admit the fact that i actually watched the movie while it was on the big screen - but i am ashamed to admit that while my friends were hastily trying to change the channel, i had told them that a cool scene was coming up (the scene where Heath Ledger beats up these two guys while the fireworks are going off) ..... my friends began laughing at me so i quickly told them that Anne Hathaway also takes her clothes off shortly in the movie too. I lied to them though as this scene was not for some time. As a result, we became progressively more drunk and watched more gay cowboy scenes. Eventually, my friends decided to change the channel - they felt cheated from not seeing Anne Hathaway not take her clothes off. Ironically, the very next movie on the next channel was Devil Wears Prada - another Anne Hathaway movie in which she looks amazing. We watched this movie in its entireity and then progressed to a new bar that was right down teh street. It is called The Libertine.

The four of us sit down at the booth of the Libertine and see our waitress. She didnt have similarities to Anne Hathaway but was the mirror image. Her body is actually even better in the sense that she appeared to be one inch taller and very toned. Although i have to admit that bars incorporate something that i would like to call "stripper lighting" --- lights that make you look better than what you really are..... i wont complain though as I'm sure i look like a young Brad Pitt or Jackie Chan.

Already hammered from all the Whiskey at home - i cant remember much of our interaction with the waitress. I do remember being comedically rude to her though (thats my way of saying i wasnt an asshole to her but i made jokes that girls with a slight bit of sense of humor could appreciate). At the end of the night - the four of us were rather enamored by our waitress - mostly just Hagrid and myself. We speculated the woman's age and thats when asshole Victor made his first appearance. Everyone guessed late 30's .... Hagrid then said to me, "if you ask her for her age and get it...i will pay for all the drinks thus far and the remaining drinks that you will drink." Of course, i obliged. As Von cleared our table, i said to her.... "So, my friends think you are old....like 30 something, but i personally think you look like youre 23." She was not amused by this and ignored my statement. She began clearing our table as we waited around. I then leaned into her ear an whispered, "if you tell us your age, i get free drinks." She turned around and said, I'm 27. My friends left the bar.....i ran back inside to give her a tip - i then realized that i had no money so i said thanks and i owe you.

One week later, Hagrid and I go back to the Libertine. The food there is remarkable and of course it wouldnt hurt if Von was working again. Of course....she was. She took our orders and began talking to us. Hagrid was convinced that she had some interest towards me because of the eye contact that she sent out. i would normally call bullshit on Hagrid but since he use to be in the army and also because he recently called his girlfriend out on cheating on him with some guy by just looking at a picture in which she was merely looking at the other guy - he impressed me with his skills of reading people. Anyways ---- Hagrid proceeds to say to Von (a line that he used a few weeks ago that surprisingly worked out well for me) "Victor likes fat girls." I was rather speechless and I'm not one to lie.... sure, there were two girls that i recently went on dates with that were a little thicker, i wouldnt say they were fat though. As i blushed a little, Von looked at me and laughed. My only response off the top of my mind was, "Wait, wait, wait..... its not that i like fat girls but its the simple fact that all of these guys that i hang out with only like ridiculously skinny girls. Personally, i like skinny girls too, but my taste can expand a little just like their weight. For instance, my friends probably would say you (Von) are too fat, but in my opinion, i think your body is perfect." She walked away in disgust but she also laughed too.

(it should be noted that up until this point, Von was comedically rude to me too)
(it should also be noted that up until this point, i wasnt really that into Von - you have to take waitresses with a grain of salt - they are like strippers ....cannot be trusted......physically they cant be trusted because of the lighting and their personality is not to be trusted either because they work for tips.)

(this is part 1 of 3 - as i said earlier - long story but it only gets better)